too many thoughts

lately, the struggle really has been so real for me. but it's not like actual events are stressing me out, it's more like me and my own thoughts and where i feel i'm at in my relationship with God right now. i have always known and felt that God is real, but i have learned so many new things that have changed a lot of opinions and beliefs that i grew up with. obviously i knew that by going to college, making new friends, learning from so many different professors with their own beliefs, i was going to form new thoughts about Christ, church, and all that goes with it. but it is almost unbelievable and overwhelming the new theories and conclusions my thoughts are coming to; thoughts i never even imagined i would ever think about [some of which i'm still not even sure are right but i'm still figuring it all out].

to go a little more deeper into my thoughts, i've really been challenged to discover what makes my relationship with God the best and most close. i have given up on a lot of things that i did in the past; things that i never really felt any connection with. for example, reading my bible, praying, and singing cliche worship songs that all have the same words and no originality. some people's jaw may drop and think 'well how on earth are you 'being a Christian?' the thing is, my mind has broadened and my perspective on prayer and worship has changed. i grew up thinking you had to talk to God in order to pray, and worship was only singing in your church, and church was only in the building labeled "Church". but i really don't think any of that is true at all. church can be anywhere you want it to be and it can be with 4 people, 40 people, or even just yourself. you can pray and worship however the hell you want to [just do what makes you feel good about it]. if going for a bike ride is what soothes your soul and brings you closer to God, then go for a bike ride. if you don't want to go to church anymore because they condemn homosexuals and you think that is wrong, then stop going to that church. do what YOU feel is right, not what other people tell you is right. after all, it's YOUR relationship with God, not anyone else's.

honestly, one of my biggest struggles is that i'm just completely lost. there really is no way for me to even describe my feelings because i don't even know what i feel. i'm trying to discover how i best communicate with God and also i'm trying to share my thoughts with my husband [who has his own opinions about this as well] but it's hard to share when i don't even know what to say. it's also a struggle knowing that my husband and i are most likely in different places with God, and how i deeply i long for us to be in the same place together but that might not ever even happen.

anyways, that's all of my thoughts for now.  but i'll leave you with two pictures of me and jacob [one from our anniversary at the dunes and one from a rainy walk]. because who likes blog posts without pictures?! no one!

why my wedding day wasn't the best day of my life

5 months ago, today, was one of the craziest days of my life. i don't like to say that my wedding day was the best day of my life because, honestly, it wasn't (gasp). the way that Jacob and I view marriage may seem different than most people, but others may also agree. even though our wedding day was the day that we were legally "married" to the people around us and to our government, the two of us already felt that we were married because of the commitment we already knew that we had for each other. so, our wedding day was just a big party for us to share with our loved ones. don't get me wrong, we did have a lot of fun on our wedding day, ate lots of food, and drank hard cider (our favorite) but it was just a crazy huge party with EVERYONE that we know! I was also quite nervous, there were lots of stressors, and there were a many things that went wrong (like not getting to eat my own cheesecake.. WHAT?!), which is why I can say that it wasn't the best day of my life. because the best day of my life would be a day when I am relaxed, stress-free and in my favorite place in the world with my favorite person (my husband, obviously). I did enjoy our wedding day and will say that it was a good day, even a great day, but it wasn't the best day. Jacob and I have had much better days together that we would consider the best days of our lives. but I am thankful for our awesome photographer (Amanda Vanvels) who captured the wonderful moments from our big party, and I posted my favorites just to show you what it looked like; the decorations, the landscape, the "first look", the massive wedding party, and the dancing. EJNOY.